Overflowing - three-shot (complete)

I don’t really remember the exact moment it happened. One day I was fine and the next, it was like something snapped within me. Walls that were built up were suddenly trembling on their foundations. I was so used to being strong and detached, that when it happened I felt scared and disoriented. For one of the first times I not only felt something, but expressed it. It was frightening, but liberating at the same time. In the past I had never shown much emotion. I always retreated in a problematic situation. Although I looked strong and resilient on the outside, on the inside emotions were building up more and more, waiting for the moment I would erupt.

Over the years I had gotten better and better at hiding everything, that I fooled everyone into thinking I was incapable of expressing any form of emotion. Once it happened the first thing I showed was anger. All those years of pretending and controlling myself had resulted in me feeling large amounts of anger. I lashed out at whoever was closer, my friends, family or whoever else happened to be around at the time. They were surprised, surprised that I could act like that, to be able to pull out of myself and behave in such a way. I yelled like I never had before and let everything out.

I told my best friend how angry I was at my best friend. For trying to push me and get me to talk when it was easier to keep everything bottled up. For messing up all the good things in her life and forgetting the ones who cared for her the most, just so she could continue going through her life ‘having fun’. I yelled at her for sticking her nose in other peoples business, for meddling in matters that were only the concern for those dealing with it.

I told my boss how glad I was that she had come to the Jeffersonian. As much as I had disliked that at first that she had pulled us together and kept us on track during the direst of circumstances. I told her that I was glad she had taken in a young girl when she was all alone; she helped me see that some people could take in someone without doing for money or to have a personal slave. And I told her how I considered her part of my dysfunctional family, because unlike most people she told me when I was annoying her and instead of leaving it at that told me that she was boss, without worrying whether I would get angry at her.

I told Hodgins that he didn’t need to be scared anymore. We were out of the car and no matter what happened we wouldn’t be there again, that we had both made it and that he needed to stop moping and do whatever it was that would make him happy. I told him that he was right, about what he said not long before we set the explosion, that I didn’t want to admit it then, but I did have faith and that I realise now, that as long as I held on to that I would never be completely scared. I let him know that if I could hold a faith like that he could too, and then maybe it would help stop the nightmares, of waking up alone.

I told Sweets that I was sick of not being able to say anything without him reading into it. I hated the way he probed at me to talk about my feelings and to admit to ‘feelings’ I wasn’t even sure of. I told him I hated that he thought so low of me to experiment with me. To withhold serious information all in order to gage my reaction, to see if I was in fact capable of emotion or cold and unaffected by something as terrifying as losing another person I loved and trusted.

Finally I told my partner that I loved him. Not in a ‘atta-boy’ kind of way, but in a heart racing, foggy thoughts, butterflies in my stomach kind of way. I told him that whenever he was near me I forgot what I was talking about and that all the facts I had stored in my brain went out the window. I told him that I had never felt this strongly about anyone, which only made what I felt even worse. Because I knew that I was incapable of being loved and that even if he did feel the same, I would constantly be on guard waiting for the inevitable moment when all my happiness would come to an end.

I expressed everything I was thinking at that moment. All the feelings I had kept compartmentalised and hidden, so I wouldn’t have to confront them. I had just ‘bared my soul’ as he would call it, and now I had very little left that was unknown. After I let years worth of emotions out I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, content with myself. That even though I may have embarrassed myself or pissed people off, that I now felt less of a burden and hopefully I would be able to release all my emotions before I rebuilt those walls, preparing for the next years of compartmentalisation. I walked out of the lab with my head held high, leaving a speechless group behind and walking out feeling happier than I had felt in years.

I noticed it last week. Now I look back on the last few months I realise that it had been slowly building over time. But until a week ago I hadn’t thought anything was out of the ordinary. I first noticed that she was becoming more uptight than she had been in the past; she was avoiding everyone more than usual and seemed quieter. I essentially ignored and passed it off as tiredness or just a phase she was going through. I then noticed she was becoming snippier and becoming quite intolerable to be around.

It was today I realised what it had all been. Today she totally let it all out. I was surprised when the first person she addressed was Angela. She yelled at Angela like I had never heard her before. “I am so sick of you messing up all the good things in your life and forgetting the ones who cared for you the most, just so you can continue going through your life ‘having fun.’ I am also sick of you for sticking your nose in other peoples business, for meddling in matters that were only the concern for those dealing with it.” I remember how harsh she was being towards Angela; I could tell that she was angry, because these weren’t the kind of things she would normally voice.

It was the things that she said next that surprised me even more. “I am so glad you have taken in a young girl when she was all alone; you helped me see that some people could take in someone without doing for money or to have a personal slave.” I realised then that she had been reminded of her own days in foster care and that what Cam had done had restored something in her and that throughout her life she had thought of herself as a burden, because of the way she had been treated by others, “I considered you part of my dysfunctional family, because unlike most people you tell me when I am annoying you and instead of leaving it at that you tell me that you are boss, without worrying whether I would get angry at you.” This was one of the first times I realised how highly Bones regards Cam, and that all she wants is people to be honest with her, a thing some people find it hard to do.

“You were right, about what you said not long before we set the explosion, that I didn’t want to admit it then, but I did have faith and I realise now, that as long as I hold on to that I will never be completely scared. If I can hold a faith like that you can too, and then maybe it would help stop the nightmares, of waking up alone.” What she told Hodgins are some of the most touching words I have ever heard her say. I know now that because of the Gravedigger and what they went through together, the two of them have a connection that we can’t understand. I realised that she was scared but, knew he was scared just as much, and was showing him that, if they both did it together they could overcome their fears.

When she was talking to Sweets I thought he was going to wet himself, he looked so terrified. And after what she just said, he should be scared of me too. “You withheld serious information all in order to gage my reaction, to see if I was in fact capable of emotion or cold and unaffected by something as terrifying as losing another person I loved and trusted.” As she said this I noticed a few tears welling in her eyes. It showed that she was affected by my ‘death’, more than she let anyone see. I couldn’t believe Sweets would stoop so low as to let her believe another person had left her. Her tears then began to fall without her noticing, and I wanted nothing more than to hug her and make sure she was ok. But she wasn’t finished yet.

“I love you.” My heart almost stopped beating when I heard those words leave her mouth, everything else didn’t matter. . “Not in an atta-boy kind of way, but in a heart racing, foggy thoughts, butterflies in my stomach kind of way. When you are around I forget everything else, all the facts, go out the window.” I was in complete shock; her feelings were like a mirror image of mine. I had no idea that she could feel this way about me, I realised that she had hidden it very well like I had. “But, even if you did feel the same for some insane reason, I couldn’t do anything about it because, I am unlovable and it is inevitable that you would leave, just like everyone else.” She thought I would leave, and that I couldn’t love her. It hurt knowing that she thought no one could love her. And it broke my heart that she couldn’t have told me sooner.

Before anyone could respond she had fled the room. Everyone was completely speechless and surprised. Nobody knew what had brought all of this on. Angela looked like she was in shock, after her best friend had been truly honest with her. Cam felt happy, she now had a gage on how Brennan regarded her, and she loved that she had been accepted. Hodgins looked optimistic after what she had told him. He finally knew that he had someone he would understand, and that it was possible to move past the events of the past. Sweets still looked terrified, scared of when someone would start throwing punches.

Everyone had a thought, except for me. I was completely unsure of what to think. I had never thought that she would have so many important things bottled up, that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell anyone. She had just declared her love for me, in front of everyone, she had bared her soul, without worrying or feeling embarrassed. All I could do was stand in her office motionless. I knew I loved her, but I had always pushed it back, not wanting to hurt her. But now I realised because I haven’t told her, it has furthered her in believing that she is incapable of being loved. I hated that I and others had made her feel that way. I had to tell her the truth and maybe find out what else prompted her to spill her guts on her innermost thoughts about her friends.

When I arrived home, I slammed the door shut and dumped my things next to the door. All the way home I was trying to think of a reason why I did what I did. No matter how many times I went over it in my head I couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation. It was like when I was saying those things I wasn’t in control, it was like my mouth had been taken over and I couldn’t filter what was coming out of it.

I couldn’t believe what I had told Angela. This was one of the first times I had said something so hurtful towards her. I knew that I should have kept my opinions to myself, but I couldn’t help it. She always had something to say about what I was doing in my life, whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, so I should be entitled to be able to criticise her actions once in a while. I knew I had hurt her when I saw the look on her face, but in all honesty I was just telling her what everyone was afraid to say.

I am sure I surprised Hodgins and Cam by what I told them. I had never really said anything along those lines to Cam before, and if I ever had they were rare. It was usually strictly business between the two of us, so I was glad that she now knew what I thought of her and hopefully, that would further along our working relationship. I think what I said to Hodgins was very meaningful. He understood what I meant when I mentioned faith and nightmares. I only hoped he took what I said into advisement. I was glad I could yell at Sweets, and finally let out my anger towards him. He had hurt me and I wanted to make sure he fully knew that, it gave me even more satisfaction knowing that Booth would probably punch his lights out.

Booth…. I couldn’t believe that I had actually said that to him. I had compartmentalised it all, after I knew he didn’t feel the same way. I don’t know what possessed me to say all of that out loud to him. I knew that inevitably it would become too much for me to keep everything in, but I never expected I would let out that detail too. I told him I loved him. In a proper, I’m in love with you way, and in front of the team too. Now they all knew how I felt and now I couldn’t take it back even if I really wanted to. I would just have to pretend it didn’t happen and everything would go back to normal, they way it should be.

Before I could do anything else, there was a knock at the door. I walked over and opened it without checking first. There he was standing there in all his glory. I mentally cursed myself for not seeing who it was. I felt completely embarrassed, he just had to show up and make me feel eve more mortified than I already did.

“Hey Bones,” he said in his usual cheery voice. I didn’t move from the doorway like I knew he expected me to.

“Hi Booth,” I replied quietly, as much as I usually enjoyed his company, it would be easier to compartmentalise everything again when he wasn’t here.

“Can I come in?” he asked after a few minutes of silence between us. I didn’t say anything, but simply moved aside to let him enter.

“What are you doing here?” I asked unsure of what the purpose of his visit was. He had already made himself comfortable on my couch, and he patted the space next to him, urging me to sit. I walked over and sat where he indicated, trying to keep as much space between us as possible.

“I came to see how you were after what happened today,” he replied.

“I am fine, I really don’t know what came over me,” I told him trying to pass it off as nothing. Unfortunately for me he couldn’t be fooled.

“Really, because you kind of went on a rampage back there,” he said trying to gain eye contact. “Did you mean what you said?” he asked now looking me straight in the eyes. He grabbed my hand, just so I wouldn’t leave. I didn’t know how to answer him, if I said no I would be lying, but if I said yes that could potentially complicate things even more. I chose not to answer and see what he would do.

“Bones, come on answer me, did you mean it?” he asked almost pleading with me to answer. All I could make myself do was nod.

“Really?” he asked clarifying that I meant it, I nodded again. He moved and closed the distance between us and pulled me in and hugged me. We sat there for a while before, he pulled back. At that moment everything stopped. Slowly he leaned in and our lips met, jolts of electricity and happiness ran through me. The kiss was brief, but I had never felt anything more wonderful.

“I love you too, Bones,” he said once we parted, “Why didn’t you say something before?”

“Because I have never felt like this about anyone, everyone who I love leaves me. Not to mention I am terrible at relationships. But I do love you Booth,” I told him almost whispering.

“Hey, don’t worry I’m not going anywhere, I love you, have for a while. We’ll figure it out, together,” he said pulling me against his chest and holding me. I liked together, it made me feel like I belonged, for one of the first times in my life, I had a place to belong.

Oh man. Settling up with everyone in one tirade. She must have been a wreck by the time she got home. But it was the perfect opening for Booth to swoop in and finally make his move!