Re: Booth and Bones On... (Humour, K+)

by ForensicMama Fri Jul 25, 2008 11:15 am

Enjoy the laughs!

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Booth and Bones on Breastfeeding (An extension of Baby in the Bough)

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"Were you breastfed? I was." Brennan stated as she sat back in the SUV with Booth. An infant cooed softly in the back seat as the two drove onto the main road.

"Bones... I'm not going to talk about... you know..."

"Teats?"

"Stop using that word."

"I can't come up with many more synonyms, Booth. Perhaps the technical term, mammae, would appeal to you more?"

"No. No boobs, no breasts, no mammae, NO TEATS. End of discussion."

"I don't know why you feel so uncomfortable with this discussion, Booth. Every other discussion doesn't seem to be off limits with you."

"Such as...?"

"I don't know... murderers, rapists..." She spared a look his way, "Serial killers."

"That's work stuff, Bones. This is milk talk. Work talk and milk talk don't go in the same conversation. They just don't."

Bones looked over his way, with a sly, impish look in her eyes. "If I ever had children, not that I want children, I would breastfeed them."

Booth looked over at his partner. He never thought of her breastfeeding before. It seemed terribly... I don't know, human of her. "That's good, Bones."

"You seem surprised." She almost expected that look from him.

"I guess I never thought of you doing that."

"Why not? I'm a very logical person. Of course I would choose to give my child breast milk, for its superiority in formulation, over a manufactured formula made out of altered soy or cow's milk."

"Bones... you think we can talk about something else? See the Dodger's game? They really sucked it up last night."

"What's a Dodger?" She shook her head. "You're trying to change the subject, aren't you?"

"See? You are a genius, Bones! I knew it!"

Silence. More mischievous grins.

"Your mother has breasts, Booth. You probably suckled at them at one point in your life."

Booth looked over at Bones. Seeing her expression he replied, "You don't know when to stop, do you?"

"Stop what?"

"This! YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!"

"I'm not a chihuahua, Booth, I'm a human being, trying to make human conversation."

"Yeah, well, you suck at it." Booth said, ending the conversation.

by sweetie_dude Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:02 pm

i wasnt breastfed. i liked this story though. really good mama.

by ForensicMama Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:53 pm

Awww thank you! From what my mom said I was for about six months lol!

I write a blog about breastfeeding... although it's really been a while since I've done a post about breastfeeding or breastfeeding support. *goes to do that...*

by ForensicMama Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:20 am

Booth and Bones on Women's Lib
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Booth was walking briskly after his partner through the Jeffersonian's Medico Legal Lab.

"Bones! Wait up!"

"No!"

"Just slow down!"

"No!"

Booth caught up with her and swung her around toward him. All eyes watched the couple as they bickered like they were an old married couple. "Just take a chill pill, Bones!"

"I'm fairly certain that's not a real medication, so I'm assuming that's some sort of convoluted phrase!" She swung around and walked away from him quickly.

"Bones! Convoluted maybe. A phrase? Yes! Just slow down!"

Cam leaned into Angela. "Are those two arguing again?"

Angela. "Who needs Dr. Phil when you've got these two?"

Cam. "No kidding. My parents hated each other and they fought less than these guys." She laughed. "Bad things happen when you don't do the dirty deed."

Angela. "Break out the popcorn, sweetie."

Brennan did slow down and faced Booth angrily. "You just have no respect for me. Is because I have a vagina? Breasts?"

"What?!" Booth was floored.

Hodgins came up to Cam and Angela. "What do we have here? It's like Maury but better."

"Minus the mullets." Angela noted.

"Yeah, the mullets totally dilute the effect." Hodgins agreed.

"VAGINA. BREASTS. Should I speak any slower?" Brennan asked with an exaggerated slur.

Booth blushed. "No, Bones. Why would you even think that?"

"Let me just give you some dates, Booth. Clear your memory a bit." She crossed her arms.

"Their level of hotness is definitely evenly matched. If we had a video camera, we could make thousands off eBay." Angela said, shrugging. Cam nodded in agreement. Hodgins made a mental note of that for next time around.

"1920." Brennan pointed out.

"What's that?" Booth asked, crossing his arms, too.

"The Nineteenth Amendment granted women the right to vote. 1968."

"And what's that?"

"The Women's Liberation Front was created. 1984."

"And this is why I have chronic migraines." Booth massaged his temple as his jaw tendons tightened.

"So, what are they arguing about this time? World peace? Mini vans? Marriage? Disposable cups?" Hodgins sniffed.

"Heh. Beats me." Angela replied.

"You do not have chronic migraines. You're being melodramatic."

"You know what, Bones? Get your facts straight before you accuse me of being melodramatic. I'm sick of you telling me that."

"Well, you are. Your migraines are far from being considered chronic."

Booth brought out a bottle of Excedrin Migraine from his pocket. "This is the emergency pack. I bring it with me daily. Not chronic, huh?"

"Melodramatic." Brennan's eyes blazed.

"Bite me, Bones!"

Her cheeks blushed. "What?"

"I said bite me."

"Uh-oh..." Angela sighed.

"What? Did I miss something" Cam asked, studying her friend's face.

"No, no. I just don't think that Bren, over there, even knows what that phrase means."

"You're joking!" Cam.

"What did you say???" Brennan could feel herself blush.

Booth smirked, understanding that Bones had no idea what he was talking about.

"How could you say that when you know I work with serial killers and cannibals. I would never bite you, Booth!"

Booth laughed and laid a hand on her arm. "It's not literal, Bones. 'Bite me' doesn't really mean you should sink your teeth into me."

"Oh." The wheels turned for a moment, her cheeks grew redder. "Then does it have a sexual connotation?"

Booth's cheeks matched hers.

"Oh, this should be interesting!" Hodgins laughed. Cam and Angela looked at Hodgins, then continued their gaze at the partners.

"Bones, no. No. I-I-I... No."

"Oh." Bones replied breathlessly. "Then what does it mean?"

"Well, uh. Bite me means that you should... you know... bite... me." Booth really had no idea what it was supposed to mean anyway.

Bones began to smile, then stepped into him. Booth blushed deeper. That smile. That movement. Had she been reading his secret thoughts?

"Where's a camera when you need one?" Angela asked nobody in particular. Hodgins wished he'd set the web cam up before they started talking. Cam was highly amused at the whole incident.

Bones smiled at Booth, then slowly leaned in and sunk her teeth into his arm.

"Yowch! Bones!" Booth jerked his arm back.

Brennan just laughed and walked away, toward her office, leaving Booth rubbing his wound... wishing she'd do it again. "Guess I'll be using that phrase a lot more often!" Feeling eyes on him, he looked to his left. "What are you guys looking at?"

"Nothing."
"Nothing."
"Nothing." The three scrambled off to their respective corners hiding their laughter.

by sweetie_dude Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:26 am

OMG! Why has no one commented or reviewed on this. it was absolutely brilliant. i loved it. you could so add more to this one too:D hint hint.

by mereva Fri Aug 01, 2008 8:10 pm

*he-heeeeeeeeeee*
OUTSTANDING!

by ForensicMama Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:41 am

Thanks ladies!!! Very Happy

by sweetie_dude Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:48 am

you are MOST welcome:D

by ToZiKa Sat Aug 02, 2008 6:03 am

I like them the best when they are bickering......you can cut the tension with a knife.....

by ForensicMama Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:54 am

Thank you all for your compliments! Very Happy

by sweetie_dude Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:55 am

we try.

by ForensicMama Sat Aug 02, 2008 10:40 am

Aw shucks! Very Happy

by sweetie_dude Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:32 am

lol. shoot me please mama:D

by ForensicMama Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:54 am

sweetie_dude wrote:lol. shoot me please mama:D

Sorry, that's against my religion! Wink

by sweetie_dude Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:56 am

okay. do you give out free hugs?

by VentiGirl Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:50 pm

I love these!!!

by danireed Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:39 am

all of these are so funny and I really enjoyed them. and wait for more.

by ForensicMama Sun Aug 03, 2008 1:22 am

Thank you all!!!

Sure, hugs are one of those free things in life. Wink

by sweetie_dude Sun Aug 03, 2008 1:30 am

not in my family:( no one gives hugs. this is going to be a long weekend...my aunt isnt around:( MAMA. why can't my aunt be here?

by ForensicMama Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:00 pm

This is a continuation of the conversation on Booth's nephew's baptism (and also inspired by my oneshot called "The Confession"
Got a little fluffy toward the end lol... that was unexpected.... hehehe)

Booth and Bones on Paedobaptism

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Booth settled in between his mother and his sister-in-law Jessie. To Jessie's left sat his brother Jared. Between his mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and other extended relatives, he felt like he was a ten year old altar boy again. The room was buzzing with people speaking to one another and little Christopher whined in his mother's arms, writhed and began to pout until she shook a bottle and stuffed it into his mouth. He searched for it then began sucking hungrily on the bottle. Booth began to wish that Parker was there with him. He felt somehow out of place. For being among family, he felt as if he was the only one in the room without family.

A venerable old man entered down the center of the aisle. He wore white robes that he only wore during special occasions that reached to the ground, yet hovered just centimeters above the carpeting. All eyes followed him as he entered, then perched on the platform in the middle of everyones' gazes.

He made a gesture, letting Jared, Jessie, and little Christopher know that it was their time to take the center stage. They stood and excused themselves until they stood beside the priest beside the water-filled font in which the child would be doused.

The man began to speak in a voice much younger than his face appeared, "Proverbs 22:6, Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Our Heavenly Father says--" His eyes fixed mid-sentence in the back of the room. Jared and Jessie's eyes were also fixed in the same spot. A fraction of a second, nobody said a thing, then all eyes in the audience turned towards the anomaly.

Booth sighed the second his eyes fixed on what the others had been staring at. "Bones," he sighed. She was standing at the back of the room, her back against the door.

Apologizing and excusing himself the whole way down the foyer, he made it to the back of the room. "What are you doing here?"

She watched the faces, then her eyes locked on Booth, "I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd be such a distraction."

"Well, you are!"

The two argued for a few seconds, while the confused family members tried to sort out what was happening.

"Lover's quarrel?" Mrs. Booth asked Mr. Booth.

"Beats me, Laura."

"Isn't that Dr. Brennan?"

"That answers some things."

--
Booth whispered sharply, "Aren't you supposed to be at the Founder's Day Ball?"

Brennan shook her head, "I didn't have a date. Plus I'm curious about your traditions." She grinned at him. Booth tried to decide whether or not that was a mocking smile or a truly curious smile.

Booth tightened his lips, "Fine." He grabbed her wrist and led her up the aisle. He leaned in before they sat down, "I'm only doing this because I don't have time to argue with you."

They sat together at a far pew. Booth knew this could be bad, so he knew the distance might be beneficial.

All eyes were still fixed on them. Booth cleared his throat, then in a shaky voice, he said, "Go ahead, Father."

Jessie rolled her eyes and patted Christopher's back. The priest continued speaking about the blessing and true weight of parenthood, being a father and a mother, raising your child to follow the Lord, etc.

Brennan tapped on Booth's shoulder, and although she thought she was whispering, everyone in the room could hear their conversation. Mr. and Mrs. Booth tried to pretend they couldn't hear and other family members either did the same or caught glances at the odd couple here and there. "Booth!"

"What?!"

"I thought you said your nephew was getting baptized?"

"He is!" Booth shifted uncomfortably in his seat, caught the priest's eye and smiled nervously.

"But your sister in law is holding a female child."

"Trust me, Bones, it's a boy."

"I don't get it, Booth. Why would anybody dress their male child in a frilly lacy dress?"

"Bones, seriously."

"Answer me. I'm really curious about your religious traditions."

"Bones, it's a--it's a christening dress, OK?"

"That's fine, but that doesn't answer my question. Why is he dressed as a girl?"

"It's a tradition, OK?"

"That's fine," she whispered loudly. The priest tried to speak louder. "I think I understand. Anthropologically speaking--"

"Bones, this is church, there's no 'anthropologically speaking' here, OK?'

"Anthropologically speaking, this is an attempt to... equalize the gender specifications. Is that to please your god, Booth?"

Booth rolled his eyes. "Could you just zip it, Bones? I thought you wanted to observe?"

"I do."

"Then do it!!!" All eyes turned their way once again.

Bones was silent as she watched the family undress the boy. "I see that my suspicions were incorrect."

"Huh?" Booth asked.

"The dress, they're removing it. Why is that?" Booth shrugged, hoping no response would make her be quiet. No go. "You know, when a male infant is born into the Klatskadanha tribe, the leader spreads his legs apart and shows it to the whole tribe, proudly displaying his genitalia."

"Bones!" All eyes moved to their direction once again.

"Would penis and testicles be more churchy?"

"Seriously!"

"I could say 'junk' if that's more vague."

Booth groaned.

"What are they doing now?"

They watched in quiet as the priest took the boy into his hands and repeated, In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. The boy was dunked beneath the water's surface with each name:

"In the name of the Father--" Dunk.

Brennan stood up, her hands flying to her face. "Oh my God!" She cried.

All eyes turned in her direction.

Booth pulled her down to a sitting position.

"Bones!"

"He's drowning him, Booth! Why on earth! Stop! Stop!"

"and the Son--" Dunk.

"Stop him, Booth!"

"and the Holy Spirit--" Dunk.

"Shoot him with your glock, Booth!"

"Amen." The priest uttered this in more of a question form. All faces froze and looked in their direction.

Booth rose and grabbed Bones' hand. "I'm sorry, guys." He suddenly had flashbacks of 11th grade Speech Class. "Bones here doesn't go to church. She's never seen any of this-- Sorry."

He pulled her down the aisle and into the main foyer.

Brennan looked perturbed when they made it out there. Her eyes were blazing and her arms were crossed.

"What?" He asked breathlessly.

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Drag me out of there, Booth!"

"Because, Bones, you were disrupting the service!"

"They were drowning that little boy!"

"Bones, they were BAPTIZING the little boy. His face didn't even go under. Jeez!"

"You still didn't need to embarrass me like that!"

"No, you're wrong. I DID have to do that because you were interrupting! I think that the priest gave me the evil eye!"

She shifted her weight onto her left hip. "Now you're being ridiculous."

"I am not, Bones. Everyone was looking at us and now they're all gonna want a re-do and I'll have to drag my sorry a$$ back here next week and do it all over again and I don't have many weekends off, Bones, I don't, I just spend my weekends either with you or with these guys." He finished the run-on sentence with a huff of breath.

Bones tightened her lips and escaped through the front doors of the church and tried to get to her door. Booth blocked her way at the bottom of the steps.

"Where are you going now? What? Are you pissed?"

"Yes! Yes, I am! Now, if you could kindly move out of the way."

"No."

"No?" A brow raised, her voice was icicles. {{nod to Kathy}}

"Bones, I'm not moving out of the way. You come into my church--"

"Your church? I thought it was God's church?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm saying, you followed me here and then you interrupt the service. Christopher's baptism was screwed up and then you're mad at ME??? I don't think so. If anybody's running out of here, it's me."

"Oh is it?"

"Why are you so mad, Bones?"

"You said that you have no free weekends, Booth. You either spend them with family or me. Thanks a whole lot, Booth!" She pushed her way past him and put her keys in the lock. Booth squeezed between her and the door, his hand held hers, making sure she made no escape.

"Bones, that's not what I meant. Why are you always jumping to conclusions like that? I thought you were the queen of anti-conclusion-jumping?"

"You're full of it, Booth."

"Full of what?"

"Hot air."

"I don't know what that means." He grinned.

"Very funny, now move out of the way." She tried to pull her arm out of his grasp. Eventually she wrapped the other arm around his waist so she could retrieve the keys with her other hand. She froze when she realized her arms were wrapped around his waist. Her demeanor softened.

Booth smiled at her as they stood staring at each other. "You-- you were actually pretty cute back there." He smiled a half smile.

"What?" She tried to move back, but Booth had both wrists pinned behind his back. "Let go, Booth."

"No."

"Please."

"First, you have to promise me something."

"What's that?"

"That you'll never get married in a church."

That grin scared her and thrilled her all at once. "You know I'm not going--" She blushed.

"Never?"

"No."

"Not never?"

"That's not what I--"

Booth leaned forward and kissed her. He released her wrists and wrapped his hands behind her back, pulling her into him. To his surprise, she didn't pull back. After a few seconds, he muttered, "Things change, Bones."

by sweetie_dude Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:28 pm

awe YES YES things do change...now MAMA change them:D

by ToZiKa Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:37 am

yes start changing things now!

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