Booth and Bones On... (Humour, K+)

by ForensicMama Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:44 pm

I read a bunch of peoples' suggestions for B+B On....... so here's the first of many....

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Booth and Bones on Weapons

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Booth and Bones were driving in the black SUV at night discussing a case...

"Some people just don't deserve to have guns... you, for example." Booth looked over at the woman to his right.

"Me?" She replied incredulously.

"Yes, you."

"I'm a lot more responsible with firearms than Josephson."

"I think that the government should just check out guys like that before giving them weapons permits. You know, find out if they're rifle-wielding nutjob hicks before they start handing guns out all over the place."

"Nutjob hicks? I don't know what you mean."

"You know... they wear plaid shirts and they're missing most of their teeth. They have guard dogs and about six rusty old cars in their front yard..."

"That's a hick?" She raised an eyebrow.

"That, plus the rifle-wielding."

"Where do you learn about this stuff, Booth?"

"Cops."

"Oh, coworkers." Bones scrunched her chin knowingly.

"No, Bones, I mean TV. Cops is a TV show."

"What's it about?" Bones asked.

"They follow police officers around with cameras and they bust guys in their tighty whities with big hairy beer bellies." Booth patted his stomach... which was far from resembling the bellies he described.

"Attractive." She scrunched her nose at the image.

"Must be, cuz there's always about twelve kids running around in diapers."

"They give these guys weapons permits?" She was shocked. Men in their underwear with twelve kids...?

"Yup."

"From what you're saying, I'm assuming these people are underprivileged poverty-stricken people. Perhaps they have the permits so they can hunt." She thought she had won and her face said it all.

"Bones, what are they gonna hunt in the city?"

"Squirrels... pigeons... rats..."

"You're not supposed to unload rounds within city limits." Was she always this annoying? Yes. Booth rolled his eyes.

"Perhaps the government needs to lighten up. Maybe they're hungry."

"Most of the time, Bones, they use the guns to shoot at people, not rodents."

"Maybe that's wrong with our society, Booth. People are using their resources unwisely. Perhaps if they killed the rodents, then both the issues with hunger and pests would be irradicated."

"So would their weapons permits." Booth answered shortly.

"And we're back to the first square, Booth." Her voice had a tinge of snottiness to it which annoyed Booth.

"Square one, Bones. Do you just do this to annoy me? Cuz I'm annoyed. You can zip it now."

"Zip what?" She inspected her clothing.

"Your mouth."

"What?" Her mouth had no zippers.

"It means be quiet."

Brennan tightened her lips in a scowl. "Booth, you're lucky we're in a vehicle."

"Why's that?" They stopped at a red light, then proceeded through the intersection.

"Because I can't kick you in the teeth from this position."

Booth looked over at Bones, her hands across her chest, her eyes glowing with fury. "You're really cute when you're mad, you know."

"You're not gonna charm yourself out of this one. When the car stops, you're getting a beating."

"Is it my birthday already?" Booth smirked.

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

by ForensicMama Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:04 pm

Booth and Bones on Storyline...

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Angela, Hodgins, Brennan, and Booth were at the diner eating lunch and talking about their summer plans...

"Got any plans for the Fourth?" Hodgins asked as the waitress handed him his plate. "Thank you, ma'am! Can you smell that?"

Bones cringed. Booth saw her reaction. "Bones doesn't like shell fish." He took a bite calmly.

"What? I didn't know you didn't like fish." Angela said.

"No, she just doesn't like shell fish. Lobster, crab..."

"I can speak for myself, Booth."

"Excuse me."

"Going to the bathroom?" She was playing dumb and Booth knew it.

"Yeah. Can you guess if it's number one or number two?"

"Number three."

"There's no number three."

"There are more than just two orifices from which you can spew bodily contents."

"Bones, I'm eating here." He pushed the ketchup aside.

"I'm just saying, assigning just a number one and a number two to any and all bodily processes is trite."

"Are you saying I'm trite?"

Bones thought for a second. "Well, I was just referring to the phrase you used, but if you must ask, then yes. I think YOU are trite.

Booth dropped a fry. Angela and Hodgins looked on as if through a glass window. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're a common character. An FBI Agent, saving the girl... Your presence in this... if our lives were a story... is meaningless." She felt proud of herself and she smiled evilly at him.

"Meaningless? How about when I took a bullet for you? That's not meaningless. Without my presence in this story, you'd be dead."

"You were simply there to spur on the story. Without you, there would have been no Pam there, wielding a gun like a madwoman."

"Without me, it would just be you. In a lab. Leaning over cadavers. Leaving it for the cops to solve the crime. No me. No you. No story."

"That's a lame storyline." She said, her eyes narrowing.

"If somebody were to write a story about either of us, it would be me. They would follow the hotty FBI agent with the big gun."

"Your gun is surprisingly small. Not at all big."

Booth tightened his lips. "My gun is just fine, thank you very much."

"I've seen it. It's average, if not undersized." Her eyes widened. Angela and Hodgins looked at each other. Should they leave? Should they stay?

"It is not! You've never seen my new gun. It's actually ridiculously large."

"Are you guys talking about guns any more?" Angela asked weakly. Brennan and Booth ignored her.

"I've seen it. It's pathetic. Mine is much better."

"Mine is better, Bones. You don't know what you're talking about because you're the insignificant character in this story."

Bones bit her lip thoughtfully. "Maybe we're both important."

Booth bit his french fry. "I don't think so, Bones. Hotty FBI Agent and...?" He rose a brow and shook his head as if to ask what her part was in the story.

"I'm the sexy scientist. Without me... Your story would become stagnant. We move both of our stories forward."

"Doubtful." Booth took a bite to hide his smile.

"Without me, then it would just be the poor hotty FBI Agent and no Sexy Scientist. It would be pathetic." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke.

"You have a point there, Bones." He reached out his fist for her to bump it. Without looking, as she knew what he was going to do before he did, she lifted her left fist to meet his right one. Angela and Hodgins breathed a sigh of relief.

"You two are worse than my parents." Angela commented.

"Now pass the ketchup." Booth told Bones.

"More ketchup?"

"Yeah, more ketchup."

"It's full of sugar and salt."

"It's tomatoes, Bones. Tomatoes are veggies. They're good for me."

"They're fruit. And ketchup hardly resembles tomatoes as they once were."

"I know they're fruit, they just make better sense as veggies, right guys?" He looked up at Angela and Hodgins.

"Dude, I'm not here." Hodgins said. "I'm smart enough to know I don't want to be in the middle of this." Booth sighed and reached across to Brennan's side of the table for the ketchup. "Give me the ketchup."

"No."

"Bones, I'm not playing with you."

"Booth, I'm only looking out for your wellbeing. You'll thank me in twenty years when you're not fifty pounds heavier."

"Give me the ketchup, Bones!"

"No." She replied calmly

"Now." His voice rose another octave.

"Are they like this all the time?" Hodgins asked Angela.

"Worse." Angela replied.

Booth reached for the ketchup and grasped it tightly. Bones held on tight. In between her pulling to the right and him to the left, the container squeezed and a geyser of red sauce squirted into the air and painted Brennan's face.

"Oh, Bones! I'm sorry!"

Brennan was stunned, her huge eyes peeked from beneath the ketchup like two ripe blueberries in a fruit compote. "Uh!" Was all she could say.

"I'm sorry, Bones!" Booth gently wiped the ketchup with his bare hands, not caring if it got on his suit.

"Booth, it's OK, you'll stain your shirt."

"It's OK, Bones. Call it my punishment." He tried to lighten the mood with a smile.

"No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have--"

"No, Bones, you were just looking out for me." He was surprised that she was smiling back at him, then she started laughing.

"I must look horrible."

"No, you look cute. Red's your color." He smiled at her.

"I guess we both got a taste of our own medicine, huh?" She asked as she wiped the ketchup from her face.

"Yeah. I'll give you a ride home." He said as he wiped some ketchup gently from her hair. His hand froze on the side of her face and they exchanged a long look.

Hodgins cleared his throat lightly. Apparently they'd been forgotten about.

Booth and Bones looked across the table, then back at themselves with embarrassed looks. "I, uh, I'm just going to go get cleaned up a bit in the bathroom." She stood up and left for the restroom.

"Wow." Angela sighed, then to Hodgins, "Why don't you ever look at me like that?"

"Wh--? Huh?"

"Guys, we're just partners."

"Sure, Booth. Just like Hodgie and I are just friends."

Booth rolled his eyes as he stood up. He left some cash on the table as he stood.

"We're just partners."

"No. We believe you. People who are just partners argue like old married couples all the time." Hodgins replied sarcastically.

Booth patted Hodgins on his shoulder before he left. "I slipped some arsenic in your soup. Enjoy." He winked at him, then walked toward the cafe's doors where he met Brennan. He placed his hand on her lower back as he led her out to the SUV.

by Karlia-Wicked-Witch Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:03 pm

LMAO your gun is too small????????????????? MUhahahahaha
Loved it!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome job once again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by sweetie_dude Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:10 am

OMG mama. pure genius. those were awesome. can't wait for more LOL

by ForensicMama Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:17 am

Thank you both!!! Very Happy

by sweetie_dude Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:19 am

I really love Booth's horse. its pro!

by sweetie_dude Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:24 am

you should MP me, not PM me okay mama LOL

by AutumnGlymmer Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:26 am

OMG mama...that was so hilarious. The ketchup, the gun talk, all of it! Great job!

by ForensicMama Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:31 am

Thank you!!!! Very Happy

by ToZiKa Wed Jul 23, 2008 4:47 am

just partners.....right.....what else could there possibly be between these two....
I liked it!

by ForensicMama Wed Jul 23, 2008 4:52 am

Thank you Tozika!!!

by ForensicMama Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:53 am

Booth and Bones on Water Fluoridation...
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Booth and Bones were driving to pick up Parker for Baseball practice...

Brennan spotted a sports bottle of water in the drink holder. "Can I have a drink?"

"Sure. Don't drink all of it, though. That's for Parker."

Brennan popped the top off the bottle and held it to her lips. Before drinking, she asked, "Is this water filtered?"

"Huh?"

"Is it filtered?"

"It's just tap water."

"No filter?" Her eyes widened.

Booth saw the look in her eyes. "It's not moonshine, Bones. It's water."

"But unfiltered water. It might as well be moonshine."

"Water is water, Bones."

"Not when you're giving it to little children."

"Where are you going with this?"

"Washington D.C.'s water is fluoridated."

"What's your point, Bones?"

"You knew about it being fluoridated, but you're still giving it to Parker?"

"Yeah, Bones. All water's got fluoride in it."

"Not all. Some cities are smart enough to ban it."

"Fluoride strengthens teeth, Bones."

"It also lowers ones' IQ significantly."

"If fluoride was so dangerous, Bones, then why would they put it in drinking water? And if it was so dangerous, why aren't we all just walking around brain dead?"

"You're doing it again, Booth."

"Doing what, exactly?" He asked, his voice rising.

"Oversimplifying."

"I'm just stating a fact, Bones. Remember how you once told me that facts aren't just funny feelings?"

"I'm not making things up, Booth. Fluoride is a hazardous chemical and people are putting it in our drinking water... and for what?"

"To strengthen teeth."

"Research has shown that there's no significant strengthening of the enamel on the teeth. In fact, the hazards outweigh the benefits tenfold."

"Bones, I grew up here. Do I look very stupid to you?"

"No, but I... who grew up NOT in DC... am much smarter than you. Perhaps the water fluoridation in your hometown has been detrimental to your IQ."

"My IQ is just fine, thank you." He said in a higher pitch.

"But it's not as good as it could be." She replied calmly.

"Fine." Booth stopped the car mid-road. Cars screeched around him and slammed on their breaks. Horns blared all around them.

"What are you doing, Booth?!"

Booth opened the door and grabbed the water bottle. He unscrewed the cap and dumped the water out. "There. Happy?"

"That wasn't very smart, Booth. What's Parker going to drink at his game, now?"

"I'll just buy him some Aquafina from the vending machine." He said in a sarcastic manner.

"And add that kind of pollution to our--?" She was cut off by Booth's threatening glare. "Under the circumstances, I think that's a good idea."

Booth put the SUV into drive and they drove down the road quietly, Booth sulking and Brennan trying to think of a way to break the tension. "Did you hear about President Bush's plans to--?"

"Bones!"

"What?"

"Just... don't talk."

"Booth, I--"

"Bones!"

"What?"

"I like you." He said, his voice not sounding very friendly, however.

"I... like you, too, Booth."

"And that's exactly why you're not walking, Bones."

"Let's face it, Booth. If you tried to kick me out, there'd be a fight and I'd win." She said calmly as she watched the power lines pass by on her right.

"I'm the one with the gun."

"You and that gun again, huh? What would you do if it was a hand to hand combat thing?"

Booth looked to his right and saw the smile on Brennan's lips. "I'd run." He chuckled.

Bones decided not to reply. Instead she just laughed along with him.

by sweetie_dude Wed Jul 23, 2008 4:00 pm

LMAO lol that was great mama. loved it. great job like always.

by ToZiKa Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:24 pm

he would run?
how manly of him.....

by ForensicMama Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:35 am

ToZiKa wrote:he would run?
how manly of him.....

LOL Bones is scary when she's in Kung Fu Mode! Shocked

I'd run.... hehehehe

by ForensicMama Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:39 pm

Booth and Bones on Beliefs...
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"Next week is the Founder's Day Ball at the Jeffersonian." Brennan said as they drove down the road. It was night, so she was thankful Booth couldn't see her blush. At least that way, she didn't have to punish herself for that unasked for tinge to her cheeks.

"Oh?" Booth said, rather thoughtlessly.

"Yeah. Listen, Booth, I'm not very good at chopping up the bush, but--"

"Huh? Bones, I think you might mean beat around the bush... but you never know..." Booth scrunched his brow.

"Booth, I'm just going to ask. Will you go with me?"

"Huh?"

"WILL YOU GO WITH ME?" She said a little louder and clearer.

"Oh I heard you, Bones, I just... I didn't expect you to ask me."

"I hope that it won't jeopardize our professional relationship."

"No, no, it won't, but I can't go with you."

"Why not?"

"That's Sunday, right?"

"Yeah, but it's at night, so you won't miss mass."

"Sunday my nephew's getting baptized. There's this big family thing afterward."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed.

"Bones, I'm sorry, I--"

"No, your religious traditions need to be recognized. I understand. It's important to you that you see your nephew being sprinkled with magic water."

Booth groaned inwardly. Here we go again. He would let it go, but a secret part of him was afraid if he didn't defend God, he'd be hit with lightning like a Buggs Bunny cartoon. "Bones, it's not magic water, it's holy water!"

"Right. That's what I said." Honestly, she knew the difference, but she wanted to punish him somehow... although she'd never admit that to herself.

"No, that's not what you said. You said it was magic. Magic is done by a fat guy in a top hat. That's different. This is different!"

"Would it help you if I made the oral distinction between holy and magic?" She said disdainfully.

"Yes, yes it would. And it wouldn't hurt if you would respect my religion. I respect yours... or your lack of religion."

"Booth, by saying that I have a lack of religion is like saying I have no belief system. I have one, by the way."

"A belief system. I know that. You believe in anything that's been put in a scientific journal. Big surprise." He replied sarcastically.

"No, I'm not talking about my belief in science, I'm talking about a system of beliefs held by all societies. The belief in the safety of the members of our tribe, good and evil, punishment of wrongdoers--"

"I'm not one of your anthropological syrups." Booth growled.

"Syrups? I don't know what you mean by that, Booth."

"You can't just boil me down to a scientific rule of thumb, Bones. I'm a person. I'm a heck of a lot more complicated than one of your scientific laws."

She was silent for a few minutes while she mulled over what Booth was saying.

"You're right, Booth."

"Thank you!"

"You're an individual. Individuals are more complicated than the summation of the whole."

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry that I called it magic water, Booth."

Booth glanced over at his partner. She did look truly sorry. "It's OK, Bones. And I'm sorry for thinking that all you believe in is science. I should know better by now."

"How's that?" She asked, truly curious.

"I should know by now that you're a very complicated woman. You can't be boiled down any more than I can."

"Thanks, Booth. And I should say the same thing about you. Your beliefs can't be stuffed into a book. You're not exactly a walking talking Bible." She smiled at him.

"And you're not walking talking Forensic Anthropology journal..." He glanced over at her again with a sly grin. "Most of the time." He finished, with a wink in her direction.

by sweetie_dude Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:45 pm

omg mama! that was great, loved it. can't wait for more:)

by ForensicMama Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:49 pm

by sweetie_dude Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:53 pm

you're very welcome. it was great:)

by ForensicMama Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:14 pm

That one, I think, deserves to become a short story... it would be a fun one. Smile

by ToZiKa Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:10 am

I liked it!

by sweetie_dude Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:20 am

yes yes short story!!!

by kruff1998 Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:49 am

is this a bunch of one-shots?

very funny....you make bad days good...i need to come here every morning for good day kick off

by ForensicMama Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:47 am

Yeah it's just a bunch of one shots of Booth and Bones ON... like the commercials, but in my crazy imagination... lol! Very Happy

Glad to share the joy, Kruff!!!

by sweetie_dude Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:57 am

you two are like my moms its awesome...well kruff wants to be my sister...so mama you wanna be my sister or my mama. i think youll always be my mama LOL

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