The Most Cliched Piece of Sh!t You've Ever Read (T)

Booth walked into a bar. Ouch.

Just kidding. That was a lame opening line. To tell you the fevered truth, this is a terrible tale. It will string you along a line of fantasy so ridiculous that you may find yourself falling to the ground in peels of laughter. You may even bust a gut. Warning: That can and will and may be fatal. In fact, this is such a cliched B/B fanfic that you may never see a fanfic the same way again. You may want to turn back now.

Or now.

Now is a good time, too.

Brennan Tempe looked up and watched as her partner entered her office. She never wore skirts... well, practically never. One could count how many she's worn since Season One on one hand. But on this particular day, the author of this particular fanfic put her in a ridiculously (and quite OOC) short black skirt. She smiled. And where she would have regularly treated him like any other person in the world, she happened to flutter her long lashes, flash her sky-blue, cerulean-blue, sapphire eyes before standing and greeting him by calling him, "Booth" --Scratch that. "Seeley."

Booth smiled. Not just in any particular way, of course. The writer made him flash his CHARM SMILE. The almighty, all powerful, knee-buckling, heart-stopping CHARM SMILE. And, although I've never seen it myself, that CHARM SMILE (imagine a deep powerful emanating voice when you see "CHARM SMILE") made ol' Seeley's cheeks dimple, and his chin--I'm pretty sure that there's an elusive fanficy CHIN DIMPLE out there as well--dimple.

And, as in any good fanfic, Booth's opening line was, "We've got a case, Bones."

And, as in any good fanfic, Brennan's reply was, "I'll grab my bag and gum boots."

As they walked through the Jeffersonian, it was odd because not a single scientist was in sight. Nobody to fumble with computers in the background. There wasn't even a Cam or a Hodgins getting ready to help dig that body out of the dirt. But Seeley and Tempe didn't think a second thought about it. They kept going.

Booth began to rattle off facts about the body--found in a swamp, decomposed. Stinky. Corpsey. Gooey.

Brennan smiled at hm. In that knee-buckling, just-got-her-teeth polished kind of way.

FADE TO:

Brennan Tempe kneeling over a cadaver. Grossley decomposed. Disgusting. Corpsey. And, as in any good fanfic, "Female, 25-30 years old, wearing on the shoulders indicate she was a basketball player."

"Cause of death?"

(Wait for it...!) "Blunt Force Trauma to the parietal bone."

"So... she walked into a door. Case solved."

Tempe rolled her eyes. "Oh, Seeley!" (*gag*)

Immediately, Seeley's heart started pumping red hot blood (immediately bringing us to B&B singing and dancing to Hot Blooded for the millionth time) like lava on methadone. Those sweet words... Oh, Seeley... made him want to ravage her--despite the fact that every cubic inch of air in a one mile radius smelled like vomit and death. No matter. This is a cliched story.

Remember, reader, remember...

Later that evening (What case? Pah! Bones isn't about solving cases! It's about getting B&B to bone like nobody's business!), Tempe was sitting around at home. In her underwear. Bra and panties (thong, to be exact). You know, because that's the way that all thirty year old single women hang out on their evenings off. She was sighing, reading a very complex Anthropology book (because, after all, she never got around to buying a new television in four years!), and day dreaming about getting knocked up by Booth when--

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Brennan Tempe hopped off from the couch like she was sixteen, or, at least, high on something. And, despite the fact that Washington DC is a large metropolitan area with a healthy crime rate, Tempe swung the door open--Woops! Way too late to see Booth standing there holding Chinese Food (Wong Fu's. Who else?)

Booth turned all shades of red--maroon, tomato, strawberry, raspberry, brick-red--at the sight of his partner in skimpy underwear. The bra was so low cut that it didn't even cover her nipples. (Huh. Funny how that one worked out. Perhaps she didn't make enough money to buy a correctly-sized bra?) And the nipples? They were hard as rocks because at the sight of her partner, she became so incredibly horny that they turned into two little marbles of horniness love-lorn partner-lust. Her panties suddenly became damp because, after all, it's not like she'd never seen the man or learned to control herself around him.

"Hhhhhhey, Bones. Chinese?"

"Uh..." She shrugged. "I'm actually making Mac N Cheese. It's the only thing I know how to make because I can't follow a simple recipe card, despite my holding down several degrees."

"Makes total sense." He invited himself in, taking off his jacket, revealing a tight black tee shirt (all that Booth owned WERE tight black tee shirts, after all) that clung to his rock hard chest. The sight alone made Tempe feel faint and a little bit ill. She wanted to throw herself in his Alpha Male arms and ask him to take her. Take her to the bedroom and make sweet, sweet, passionate, hot love to her. After all, she's never had an orgasm before in her life. Perhaps...? Perhaps Booth could fix that? Of course he could. He's an Alpha Male.

They settled down on the couch. Brennan never managed to put any clothes on and somehow Booth's shirt had disappeared in the whole process. No matter. They were just friends. Just partners. But the sight of her made his crotch tighten nonetheless. Crotch-tightening is a common issue when it comes to Brennan. Just as her nipples turning rock-hard is an issue for her when he was around.

They ate Chinese and Mac N Cheese until late into the night. All of those carbs and neither had managed to gain an ounce in four years of this nightly ritual.

At last! They were no longer able to control their biological urges. In four years of partnership, even after hugging, kissing, and sleeping in the same bed TWICE, it no longer mattered. Biology and Anthropological Inevitibilities were taking over and making the room uncomfortably hot. He turned and began to trail hot, sweaty, spitty kisses up and down her neck.

"Seeley, no," she muttered. It was a very weak fight, indeed.

And, as usual, Booth did not listen to her arguments. He continued to make love to her.

At last she gave in and they had the best, hottest sex in the whole wide world. They did in the living room.They did it in the kitchen. They did it on the chandelier. They did it in the shower, in the bedroom, on the balcony, on the kitchen table, in the elevator. Everywhere possible. And yes. Temperance Brennan did indeed experience the first earth-shattering orgasm of her life. It was so earth-shattering, in fact, that she screamed, "I love you!" mid-climax. And mid-climax, the two who were just partners found that they did love each other and were willing to pursue the relationship.

But not before tricking their colleagues into believing that they were not a couple. That would be too easy if they were open and honest about it. Besides, Cullen would kick their asses if he found out. He would fire Booth so fast that his head would spin. And Brennan would find that she would no longer be able to work. She would find her life to be meaningless without Booth beside her, she would sink into such a potent depression that she would eventually quit her job at the Jeffersonian and then would move to Estonia. So, secrecy was indeed a must.

Two weeks later and the pair had pulled it off. They had kept their newfound sexual affair a secret. But, as any good Angela would do, she would smell a rat. A sex-rat to be quite honest. She could smell sexual intercourse around her best friend whenever she was within a one mile radius of her. (One mile radii are quite important!) And whenever Booth came into the lab, the air seemed to get just that much hotter...

Could it be? Could it be that...? *shock* *dismay* *cheesily-overly-excited-giddiness* Booth and Bren had finally made sweet, sweet love!!!!

Angela burst *BURST* into Tempe's office. "OH, SWEEEEEEEETIE!"

"What, pray tell, dearest Ang (no E), is of the matter?"

"You and Booth are having sex, aren't you?"

Brennan was quick to defend, "NO!"

"You are! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Tempe's smile disappeared. "Angela, what the hell was that?"

"Was what, sweetie?"

"That sound you just made. Is that Arabic? 'Squee'?"

Angela rolled her eyes, dropping the act, and sat on the edge of Brennan's desk. "Beats the hell outta me, sweetie, it's just some dumbass sound fans keep making me say whenever I discover you've had sex with Booth."

"Well, that's just [anthropologically] ridiculous. You never made that sound when you found out Sully and I were sleeping together."

"I know, right? It's ridiculous. Anyway, spill the beans, sweetie, before somebody makes me squee again."

"Well, [anthropologically speaking] I'm pregnant. With Booth's baby."

Angela clapped her hands together. "Squee!" She slapped a hand over her mouth. "Ah, shit. There it goes again. It's like Tourettes or something."

"Anyway, in the heat of passion, despite the fact that I've had lots of illicit affairs with men in the past and despite the fact that I'm a distinguished and educated woman, I somehow forgot to pop a birth control pill while simultaneously forgetting to put a condom on Booth's erect penis... It's a series of insanely irrational mistakes. I have no idea why that happened. It must mean that he's my soul mate or something."

"Oh, that's very logical. So, how far along are you?"

"Twenty weeks."

"Already?"

"I know. I just slept with the man in the last paragraph, but now I'm magically far enough along to know that we're having a GIRL. And the truth is, I've started wanting kids since I realized how cute Parker is. Since Rebecca's obviously dead and Booth has Parker full time, I was babysitting him one night when he started saying adorable things and started speaking like a four year old. He said, 'You is pwetty, Dr. Bones. My Daddy wuvz you.' Isnt' that adorable? And now we're having a GIRL!"

Angela clapped her hands again, "Squee!" She slapped her mouth. "Ah, fuck. There it goes again."

"You should probably get a prescription for Topamax. It's a TS medication commonly prescribed to patients diagnosed with psychological disorders such as Tourette's Syndrome."

"How did you know that?"

"Whoever is writing this Googled it and thought that I should be the authority on some random disease, although it has nothing whatsoever to do with bones."

"Once again, it totally makes sense. So. What are you and Booth going to do now?"

"I'm thinking I'll backtrack on all of my 'marriage is an antiquated ritual' crap after a short, but nicely written speech by Booth OR after a cleverly written plot to kidnap me, then we'll get married and Christine will be our flower girl."

"Christine?"

"That's what we're naming the baby. Christine after my mother, and some random name that we're going to say is Booth's mother's name will be her middle name."

"I think that sounds like a nice plan, sweetie. After all, I've always wanted you and Booth to have sex. That's all I've ever lived for. I don't care about my own personal life with Hodgins, although now we're married and have six kids, because all I ever do is think about you two and how beautiful your babies will be."

Brennan hugged her BFF tightly, then began to cry a little, so happily gracious she was for her friend's heartfelt obsessive compulsiveness. "I want you to be my maid of honor. And maybe we can write in Cam somewhere in there. Maybe she can hold my train or something. And your three daughters can be flower girls, too."

"I really wish Cam could've been in this story more, but honestly I still hold an irrational grudge against her for sleeping with Booth although you didn't want him and he didn't want you and Booth is a hot guy who deserves to be laid. Not to mention, Cam needs to have a romantic relationship with someone before I can truly write her into stories. I like her, though."

"Me, too. Maybe someone can write a dirty girl-on-girl of you and she together?" Brennan suggested.

"That sounds nice. Cam is hot after all and now that I'm officially bisexual, I want to sleep with you and Cam a LOT."

The two women sunk happily into a random seat.

"I'm happy for you, sweetie."

"Thank you, Angela. I'm so glad I'm marrying Booth. He is a strong Alph Male. Incredibly Alpha Male, with a core Alpha Male self. I really hope that our Alpha Male relationship will last long into the Alpha Male future. Alpha Male.... Alpha Male. Alpha Male."

"Not to mention he looks like a good breeder."

"Amen to that. Not that I say Amen a lot, because I'm a serious atheist. I don't even say Amen in jest."

Angela stood and hugged her BFF again. "Well, you should go home and jump Booth."

"I don't know what that means."

"Of course you don't!"

The two women threw their heads back and laughed over the little inside joke and went their separate ways.

hahahahah omg I was laughing so much I neraly pissed my pants xD

"I'm actually making Mac N Cheese. It's the only thing I know how to make because I can't follow a simple recipe card, despite my holding down several degrees." And that line just killed me xD hahahahhahaha

*Vodzu* wrote:hahahahah omg I was laughing so much I neraly pissed my pants xD

"I'm actually making Mac N Cheese. It's the only thing I know how to make because I can't follow a simple recipe card, despite my holding down several degrees." And that line just killed me xD hahahahhahaha

I'm glad I almost made you piss yourself. Makes me feel important haha.

Oh my gosh. That was genius. And hilarious.

"Tempe was sitting around at home. In her underwear. Bra and panties (thong, to be exact). You know, because that's the way that all thirty year old single women hang out on their evenings off. " <==that line? It KILLED me. XDDD

You're totally right, too...it's ALWAYS a girl (and Christine). Rebbecca ALWAYS dies. Parker is ALWAYS 4 (or even 7 and talks like he's 4) and has awful grammar. Angela is ALWAYS obnoxious and immediately KNOWS. And...they ALWAYS get married on impulse, because she ACCIDENTALLY gets pregnant. Many of them are soooo incredibly OOC...but now, I can look at those stories with humor! XD

This rocked my socks. XD

HAHAHA awesome! very funny.

At last she gave in and they had the best, hottest sex in the whole wide world. They did in the living room.They did it in the kitchen. They did it on the chandelier. They did it in the shower, in the bedroom, on the balcony, on the kitchen table, in the elevator. Everywhere possible.

reminded me of sarah silverman's i'm f---ing matt damon.....they always seem to have remarkable quick turn around time for all the sexy time. and booth must have some seriously sore testicles from that perma-hard-on he seems to have

A reviewer sits at the keyboard searching for something clever and witty and pithy to say in response to the story that just made her laugh and snort and guffaw (and admittedly blush when recongnizing her own fanfic sins) and in the end comes up with the quite original....ROFLMAO.....

Seriously, that was freaking hilarious...one of the best pieces of fanfic satire/parody I've read.....i am green with writer's envy over your dry wit...brava, Mama

Oh thank you everyone! I'm so glad that I made you all guffaw!

And seriously, right? Poor Booth and his perma-boner? And then he's always able to get right back in the saddle two minutes later. ROFL!

"Angela clapped her hands together. "Squee!" She slapped a hand over her mouth. "Ah, shit. There it goes again. It's like Tourettes or something.""

Hil-freaking-larious! And just what was needed

LOL Glad you liked it!!!

Annabelle--I'd be lying if I said I've never sinned before! I have! And it's quite embarrassing when I read my older stories! hahaha

ForensicMama wrote:LOL Glad you liked it!!!

Annabelle--I'd be lying if I said I've never sinned before! I have! And it's quite embarrassing when I read my older stories! hahaha

Now imagine what we have to suffer reading them all












<just kidding>

HAHAHAAA!!!... I was just reading before some fanfics that was just like it ... LOL... Its a perfect parody!!!

LOVE IT !!
You, mama *points a finger* are pure genius.!

Yay for a parody! I loved: "Whoever is writing this Googled it and thought that I should be the authority on some random disease, although it has nothing whatsoever to do with bones"
And various other lines (blunt force trauma to the parietal bone; sky-blue, cerulean-blue, sapphire eyes; She could smell sexual intercourse around her best friend whenever she was within a one mile radius of her. (One mile radii are quite important!))
Ah... I am, indeed, never going to read another fanfic quite the same way again (still, who doesn't need a piece of ridiculously cliched BB fluff every once in a while?)

OMG
I am laughing so hard that I am not sure how to manage typing right now....
You mentioned all the things I always shake my head about in fanfics....the always hard nipples, the semi-erect state Booth is in since season one, the squeeing, the forgetting about birth control, deciding to marry him......
but I have to admit that I do that too......I guess I'll have to think about something better the next time I write something

Oh my... it was HYSTERICAL!!!!!

Ohhhhhhhh, laughing, ouch making my head ache worse, but god so funny

LOL. I'm glad I made you all laugh!!!

Yeah, I will have to watch my stories from now on. I'll feel pretty stupid if I end up parodying my parody! ha. Watch me. I know I'll do it!!!

Mama wrote:
Yeah, I will have to watch my stories from now on. I'll feel pretty stupid if I end up parodying my parody! ha. Watch me. I know I'll do it!!!

lol...
well...

I kept thinkin "please tell me I haven't used that... well, I have used that... at least I haven't used that"

but it had me fake-laughing a lot, mama!!

fake-laughing because I'm voiceless

LOL I'm so glad you loved it! I know I've used a lot of these in the 'early days'... especially the "Tempe, Seeley" *gag* bit.

PS, Love Hugh Jackman in the siggy. I saw it on LJ. *waves self*

I declare myself guilty of:

> the skirt and low cut bra. though the skirt was a long one and the bra wasn't *that* low cut... BUT Bren was supposedly trying to seduce him... so it might have been part of her plan, right? right??

> rather impossible situations. Stuck in the closet, anyone?

> a half-way charm smile.

> no crime. I have yet to try my hand on one... was afraid to be too much of an achiever as I was just starting to write fanfic.

> I *think* I had Angela squee once? uhm (goes to check) well, I said she interrupted Bren with a squeal. Does that count? I guess it does...

*hungs head in shame*

*looks for the optimistic way to see things...*

Well... it could have been certainly worse!!

Edit: Add: yeah... Hugh Jackman... *drools*

Oh the stuck in the closet scenario? Who doesn't like that? That can be good. The writers should go for it. They don't read/write fanfic, so I'd let that one slide.

I think I've had Brennan wear a skirt before.

I've done the Mac N Cheese bit. And Brennan couldn't figure out Kraft-in-the-box Mac N Cheese (Geez, Mama, she's not THAT inept!)

I don't know if I've made Angela squee or squeal... huh...

I think I've done the baby Christine bit.

LOL... "I liked Chevy Chase. We all have our crosses to bear."

Aloemilk wrote:

ForensicMama wrote:
LOL... "I liked Chevy Chase. We all have our crosses to bear."

LOL random Hodgins quote from The Boy in the Time Capsule. I was originally just going to say that we all have our crosses to bear, but then this quote popped to mind lol...

And yes, I do do this in real life. I'm always singing a random song that is brought to mind or a random quote that is brought to mind... drives my hubby nuts. But I love it.

ForensicMama wrote:

Aloemilk wrote:

ForensicMama wrote:
LOL... "I liked Chevy Chase. We all have our crosses to bear."

LOL random Hodgins quote from The Boy in the Time Capsule. I was originally just going to say that we all have our crosses to bear, but then this quote popped to mind lol...

And yes, I do do this in real life. I'm always singing a random song that is brought to mind or a random quote that is brought to mind... drives my hubby nuts. But I love it.

I knew I had a chance to catch you online when I checked the clock! though *I* am supposed to be sleeping and taking care of myself

and now that I've been warned I'll look out for those random quotes... if I'm not *supposed* to understand it all, I'll probably catch them quickly

LOL Milky! You need to go to bed!!!

I'm off to bed, too. TTYl! Get better & talk to you tomorrow! *hugs* *tea with lemon*

Mama, I finally got a chance to read this!! Oh, this is wicked good! Laughing and giggling! I can't add anything to the favorite lines because we've practically re-written the story quoting them already ...