jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

OK, I wanted to share this because I find it hilarious, just don't call me sexist, I was sent this joke by a woman, ok?

"a girl will never be happy on Valentines day because men don't have chocolate penis' that ejaculates money"

A bumper sticker about texting while driving:

"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him."

G-Woman wrote:A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Hee hee hee!!

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"



Not All Seniors Are Senile

Ouch! And she wasn't even going for hard-boiled.



"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

As she glanced at him sidelong she replied, "probably that I married you for your money."

DBCrazy wrote: Ouch! And she wasn't even going for hard-boiled.



"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

As she glanced at him sidelong she replied, "probably that I married you for your money."

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please,
don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

101 Things not to say during sex:

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

G, I like your lists that you've been posting around, but I thought that taxi joke was great!

Tomorrow's Friday!!!

dawnsfire wrote:found this over on LJ...


Brother: So we're doing a CSI project in my science class and I think Will Smith did it...
Me: Why do you think he did it?
Brother: Because he left Fresh Prince...

I heard this one last night on television. I already don't even know what it was that I was watching.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

I don't know what that means...

bones206 wrote:

DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

I don't know what that means...

Before I go into explaining it I'll try it this way...

DBCrazy wrote:

bones206 wrote:

DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

I don't know what that means...

Before I go into explaining it I'll try it this way...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."

I had to go do my googling... Then I got it.

I've decided to insert B&B into these 2 jokes.

Booth and Brennan get married and she agrees to try church with him.

They go to a church to join and the priest says they have to abstain from sex for a week and if they do they will be let in along with the other 2 couples in the group.

A week later the first couple says "We've been married 20 years once a week is the norm. No problem" they are allowed in.

Second couple "We've been married 40 years. Twice a month is the norm. No problem'

Booth "well we made a stop on the way home last week and she smiled at me and one thing led to another. We're newlyweds so it's expected"

The priest said "Sorry but you're not allowed in"

Booth "We're not allowed back at the supermarket either

Brennan "Or the park, or the movie theater, or the opera......"

Joke 2:

Okay I can't do this to Booth so I decided on Hacker.

Brennan and Hacker are eating dinner when a spaceship lands and the aliens join them.

They decide it might be fun to experience interplanetary sex.

They go to bed with the opposite sex alien. Things are okay for Brennan but the male alien has a very small penis. He says "Twist my ears and things will be better" She does and he has a very nice sized penis and things go well.

The next day the aliens take off and Brennan and Hacker discuss the night.

Hacker said "It was okay but she kept twisting my ears"

puckishbearscubsfan wrote:I've decided to insert B&B into these 2 jokes.

Booth and Brennan get married and she agrees to try church with him.

They go to a church to join and the priest says they have to abstain from sex for a week and if they do they will be let in along with the other 2 couples in the group.

A week later the first couple says "We've been married 20 years once a week is the norm. No problem" they are allowed in.

Second couple "We've been married 40 years. Twice a month is the norm. No problem'

Booth "well we made a stop on the way home last week and she smiled at me and one thing led to another. We're newlyweds so it's expected"

The priest said "Sorry but you're not allowed in"

Booth "We're not allowed back at the supermarket either

Brennan "Or the park, or the movie theater, or the opera......"

Joke 2:

Okay I can't do this to Booth so I decided on Hacker.

Brennan and Hacker are eating dinner when a spaceship lands and the aliens join them.

They decide it might be fun to experience interplanetary sex.

They go to bed with the opposite sex alien. Things are okay for Brennan but the male alien has a very small penis. He says "Twist my ears and things will be better" She does and he has a very nice sized penis and things go well.

The next day the aliens take off and Brennan and Hacker discuss the night.

Hacker said "It was okay but she kept twisting my ears"

lmao! I think this should become a new thread. Jokes with Bones characters replacing the roles!

Ive decided to use generic the President insert specific president depending on your afiliation.

The President goes to a baseball game with his wife. A security guard walks up and says something to him, He gets up and throws her out of the park.

He returns to his seat and the guard comes up and says "Sorry Mr. President you misheard. We wanted you to throw out the first Pitch"


Joke 2:

Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen remain friends their entire lives and make a deal. When the first one of them dies the other will come back and say whether there's basketball in heaven.

Michael being a couple of years older goes first and a few years later Scottie is puttering around his garden when Michael appears to him in a vision.

He asks "Is there basketball in heaven?"

Michael answers "there is and it's great. We're all back in our primes playing like we did when we were at our peaks. And we play for our teams so all the greatest Bulls of all time are together. We have Derrek Rose for example on our team instead of Paxon or Harper. That's the good news"

Scottie asks "What's the bad news"

"Scottie I came to get you. We need a small forward. You're playing tonight!"

dawnsfire wrote:The Obedient Wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it.

Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, in due time, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....

"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

The topper on this is, once she's started spending it, even if he did manage to cash it, it'd just bounce!

I got these off twitter...

@funnyoneliners
I bet if Lizzie Borden were alive today, she'd be a hacker.

@funnyoneliners
It pains me to say it, but I have a sore throat.