jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

How do you make a door scream???




....pull its knob!

xxSxx

these were brilliant guys pls ppl post some more keep em coming,

i love reading them

50 THINGS ADMISSIONS NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT COLLEGE
1. Quarters are gold.
2. Two meals per day is the standard.
3. Road trip whenever possible.
4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
5. You will begin to nap again.
6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
7. Squirt guns = Stress relief.
8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction.
9. E-mail becomes your second language.
10. College students throw paper airplanes too.
11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you.
12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.
13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldn't know, but you can recite last week's re-run of The 70's Show verbatim.
14. Cartoons are for all ages.
15. Disney movies are more than just classics.
16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life.
17. No one is too old for video games.
18. Procrastination is an art form.
19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot.
20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again.
21. It never hurt so much to get sick.
22. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital. Never, ever forget that.
23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation.
25. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
26. Classes... the later the better.
27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you.
28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty.
30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important.
31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY...
33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!!
34. If it's snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food.
35. Dishes smell after days of piling up.
36. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
37. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
38. You will eat anything that is free.
39. New additions to food groups: pitapit and pizza.
40. Stealing from the dining hall will become second nature.
41. ATM's are the devils advocate. ATM = Another Twenty Missing.
42. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them or lock yourself out of the room even more.
43. Duct tape heals all wounds.
44. If they say you can't have it in your dorm, they are just kidding.
45. You will come to hate hallways/elevators with a passion. (STAIRS ARE THE DEVIL)
46. You will begin to negotiate with God even if you have doubted his existence in the past..."Please God, if you let me pass this final, I'll never drink again!"
47. Pictures, posters, emails or anything else to cover the ugly cell we live in will be transformed into wallpaper.
48. Everyone is only nice for the first week. After that, no matter how nice you are, some people just won't smile back. Get used to it.
49. You are never alone!
50. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...



- You actually like doing laundry at home.
- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
- You'd rather clean than study.
- "Oh man how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
- Mom's Meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
- Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
- You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
- You know the pizza boy by name.
- You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
- You live for getting mail.
- Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
- Prank phone calls become funny again.
- You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
- Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
- Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
- The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...



That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That no matter how 'cool' you were in high school, no one here cares.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology. That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That it's possible to be alone even when friends surround you.
That friends are what make this place worthwhile!

MissDebra, I see by your ticker that you're almost finished with college! And from your jokes it sounds like you're already getting sentimental about it! Thanks for the posts!!!

DBCrazy wrote:MissDebra, I see by your ticker that you're almost finished with college! And from your jokes it sounds like you're already getting sentimental about it! Thanks for the posts!!!

LOL. I sure am...

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass, Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.'

'I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Not really a joke, but ... oh well!
This amazed me so much!

Two guys are sitting there, eating a clown for dinner. One guy turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

hahaha.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

(Answer under spoiler box)

Spoiler:

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

----------------------------------------------------------

In case you need this joke explained a little ...

I didn't get this when I first heard it, but then I started listening to the IT guys that worked close by, and that was always the first thing that they'd tell anyone that needed help.

Hehe. You know there's a reason support techs do that don't you? The most common problem called into the helpdesk is PEBKAC.

Problem
Exists
Between
Keyboard
And
Chair

When I did helpdesk work we used to call those 'ID 10-T' errors in the description. Remove the spaces and the dash and you get ID10T. Management always frowned on us describing end users as morons for some reason.

RM


Edited because apparently I can't spel speel spell

THX1138 wrote:Hehe. You know there's a reason support techs do that don't you? The most common problem called into the helpdesk is PEBKAC.

Problem
Exists
Between
Keyboard
And
Chair

When I did helpdesk work we used to call those 'ID 10-T' errors in the description. Remove the spaces and the dash and you get ID10T. Management always fround on us describing end users as morons for some reason.

RM

I would hate to work a Help Desk, I'm sure, but as far as M$ goes ... getting all the way out and getting back in again is the one trick I'd put in my bag if I could only pack one thing.

This one's for DBC, enjoy!

*-*-*-*

An anthropologist was hacking his way through the jungle in the deepest part of the Amazon only to find himself suddenly surrounded by a war party from a nearby blood thirsty tribe of cannibals. Realizing that they planned to kill and eat him he quickly surveys the situation and seeing no way out he sighs aloud, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

Suddenly the skies part and a single shaft of light descends from the heavens to shine upon the anthropologist, illuminating him like a heavenly being, and a voice booms out,
"No, my son, you are NOT screwed. Go now, and pick up the stone at your feet! Use it to strike down the leader of these heathens!"

So the anthropologist picks up the stone at his feet, walks forward bold as brass, and proceeds to bash the ever loving shit out of the tribal chieftain. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again, "Okay...NOW you're screwed."

*-*-*-*

RM

LOL! I'm not too good at predicting endings, but I did feel that one coming on before I got there! I scrunched my face up and peeked out of one eye like I do in the movies. Thanks, THX!

Here is rock-solid proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you male or female?


To find the answer, look down....


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Yo, Dummy! I said "Look down," Not scroll down!



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That was evil, and of course I scrolled down! lol!

A priest, a preacher and a rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "In retrospect, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

OMG ... I can't quit laughing! I'm gonna have to go before I end up getting fired!

Creation (revisited)

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, “Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes.”

“No problem,” the Lord replied. “I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won’t be perfect. He’ll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies.”

“What‘s bowling?” Eve asked.

“Oh...never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry.”

“That’s OK. I think I can handle this ‘man’,” Eve replied.

“Great, I’ll get right to it,” God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, “Oh, there’s one other thing you should know about this man I’m making for you.”

“What’s that?” asked Eve.

“You’ll have to tell him he was here first.”

There is such a thing as knowing too much… (slightly political)

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" approved the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

Dawn, those were great!

DBCrazy wrote:Dawn, those were great!

Thanks! I always liked battle of the sexes jokes...so I have a few more. They'll make their appearances in due time.