Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

by dawnsfire Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:31 pm

Heard it before, still love it! Laughing

by dawnsfire Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:49 pm

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 54 years ago.

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous...'

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

by DBCrazy Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:34 pm

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question, 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up, 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

by DBCrazy Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:35 am

I had to pop in and post this joke! It made it even nicer to hear since I'd been out driving so much this weekend!

.........

I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him.

Wait for it ...

"Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers."

by G Mon Sep 21, 2009 2:16 am

This one made me laugh...anyone who's ever had to pay for parking in a major city...Insert appropriate city name...

A man walks into a bank in downtown Toronto and asks the manager if he can get a loan for $5000. He gives a story about having to travel over-seas to visit his sick grandmother.
The bank Manager is hesitant, because the man is not a regular customer of the bank, but he explains that he has a Ferrari that he can leave as colateral.
All the paperwork checks out, the car is clearly his, and the manager agrees to lend the man the $5000, but explains that there will be interest on the loan. They shake hands, and the manager takes the keys and parks the car in the underground parking lot of the bank for safe-keeping.
Two weeks pass, and the Bank manager does some research and discovers that the man is actually a millionaire. He is confused.
When the man returns from his trip, he happily repays the loan and the interest which totals about $23.00.
The manager asks why he took the loan, and the man says
"Where else could I park for two weeks for $23, and be assured that my car will be fine?"

by DBCrazy Fri Oct 23, 2009 2:23 am

I need a good joke. Anybody got a good joke??

by DBCrazy Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:16 am

Well, this isn't a joke, rather a story, but I recollected it today when I was talking with my sister.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.

A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.

"How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.

Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.

When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.

by dawnsfire Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:44 am

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can’t understand it.

queen

by dawnsfire Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:49 am

Life from a Woman’s Perspective

Airhead--what a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman
Argument--a discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet
Bar-be-que--you bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner”
Blonde Jokes--jokes that are short so that men can understand them
Childbirth--you get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “Focus...breathe ...push...good girl!”
Clothes Dryer--an appliance designed to eat socks
Diet Soda--a drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts
Eternity--the last two minutes of a football game
Exercise--to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase
Hair Dresser--someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also: magician
Hardware Store--similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon
Park--before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere romantic.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide
Patience--the most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also: tranquilizers
Valentine’s Day--a day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Waterproof Mascara--comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it
Zillion--the number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway

queen

by dawnsfire Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:52 am

And one more--

The meaning of "secure a building" in different branches of the military:
If you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
Air Force personnel would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

queen

by DBCrazy Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:58 am

Haha. Hey now. I'm an AF brat!! (I see you told it from the Navy perspective.)

I liked this one best -
Park--before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere romantic.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide.

by dawnsfire Sun Oct 25, 2009 3:10 pm

DBCrazy wrote:Haha. Hey now. I'm an AF brat!! (I see you told it from the Navy perspective.)

forgot where I got that one (believe it or not, not from my Ret USN father!), but that's how I found it! Very Happy

by DBCrazy Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:32 pm

Here are some Halloween jokes ... well, maybe we should call them groaners. Rolling Eyes

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?

Because he had no BODY to dance with!

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Because they’re so wrapped up in themselves.

What do witches put in their hair?

SCARE spray!!!

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have BAT breath.

Why did the Game Warden arrest the ghost?

He didn’t have a HAUNTING license!

by dawnsfire Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:37 pm

A writers' joke. Found it here: [Only admins are allowed to see this link]
Please note it should be credited (see below) if passed along...

Hare Today and Plot Tomorrow:
Plot Bunny Purchase Agreement
By Valerie Comer and Erin Hartshorn
© 2006, Valerie Comer and Erin Hartshorn

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I agree to buy unsexed plot bunnies for a dime a dozen. I will provide shelter and forage for them, giving them every opportunity to reproduce. Odds are good that the plot bunnies will multiply like rabbits.

I realize that I cannot return them if they are not the color or breed I prefer. Further, with the generally prolific nature of the species, it is possible that someone else may have a plot bunny that looks substantially like, or even identical to, one of the ones I have purchased; I absolve the seller of all responsibility.

Bunnies are not domesticated creatures. They will bounce around, jumping from place to place until specifically rabbited into place, and even then will wriggle as much as possible. I fully acknowledge that this will be a hare-raising experience.

Chocolate-covered plot bunnies may appear enticing. I understand a large number are hollow with no real substance and may crumble under pressure. Editors have no particular fondness for chocolate bunnies as they may melt in the slush pile. If I insist on using these, I agree to absolve the seller of responsibility.

Occasionally, a plot bunny may become cannibalistic and eat other plot bunnies in its near vicinity rather than breeding with them. I understand that this will result in a larger plot bunny that may be more useful to me in the long run, and I hold the seller not responsible for any such actions on the part of the plot bunny. Further, I absolve the seller of all duress caused by the plot bunnies.

I realize that plot and dust bunnies are not interchangeable and such substitution will dilute the quality of the final work. Plot bunnies are guaranteed not to shed hare that will become dust bunnies under my computer. Any dust bunnies that do accumulate are my own responsibility.

When left to stew for indeterminate amounts of time, plot bunnies will change consistency. I understand they may become tender, oozing to fill every hole in my story, or they may shrivel and toughen, becoming totally useless. The number of plot bunnies added to the pot does not change the outcome; I accept all results of simmering plot bunnies.

Plot bunnies may be used to fill plot holes; I understand the bunnies may multiply too rabbitly to pave over without creating a bump in the road. They may also hare away, creating moving targets such that with each hole plugged, new ones appear.

Should my plot bunnies reproduce successfully, I agree to use them solely for the purposes of creating stories, rather than going into business selling plot bunnies myself. I will not compete with the seller, neither by selling nor by giving away any excess plot bunnies I may have. I agree not to sue for a refund when I realize the abundance of wild and free plot bunnies lurking just around the corner.

That all said, can I interest anyone in a dozen fresh bunnies? Very Happy

Cheap!

by DBCrazy Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:09 am

I got this one the other day in my email. Warning: Blonde Joke!

The Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Naw...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

by DBCrazy Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:21 am

There were 3 good arguments that
Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

As well as 3 perfectly legitimate arguments that
Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

Also 3 equally fine arguments that
Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

And 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

Even still 3 equally plausible arguments that
Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that
Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an

AMEN!!

by PIMP Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:42 am

LMAO...good one

by dawnsfire Mon Nov 16, 2009 5:15 pm

Seen on a church sign:

Staying in bed screaming "Oh God!" does not constitute going to church.

queen

by Koudijs Mon Nov 16, 2009 5:23 pm

dawnsfire wrote:Seen on a church sign:

Staying in bed screaming "Oh God!" does not constitute going to church.

That's correct... but most of the time it's damn good fun....

by dawnsfire Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:25 am

A woman stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint."
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book."

queen

by bones206 Wed Dec 02, 2009 8:39 am

No offense to Canadians meant in anyway what so ever...

How did they decide to name Canada, Canada?

Spoiler:

by A2BOREANAZ Wed Dec 02, 2009 11:59 am

bones206 wrote:No offense to Canadians meant in anyway what so ever...

How did they decide to name Canada, Canada?

Spoiler:

LMAO!!!!! oh i like that one...............lol

by DBCrazy Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:48 am

Sometimes those email jokes are pretty funny. I liked this one!

A Lesson in Always Using Proper Grammar

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

***

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

…ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PRoPOSITION!!*

by DBCrazy Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:37 pm

I got this one in my email and it made me chuckle...

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. B oth of their cars are demolished but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! B ut you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them...

by dawnsfire Tue Feb 02, 2010 1:24 pm

Ha! Good one! lol!

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jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D