What You're Afraid Of-parody/humor. T. Posted by SSJL on 18/02/2008

Posted 18/02/2008 11:00:16 AM by sweetjamielee

Well I couldn’t resist the fun of the parody challenge! Now all of you who know me know that I lurve all my awesome reviewers. This story pokes a little fun at one of my fave amusing pleasures…alarmist reviews. You writers know what I’m talking about. The reviewers who, no matter how well they know you or your writing, seem somehow terrified that you will destroy the lives of our fave characters. This story is presented as these reviewers’ worst nightmare. It is largely excerpted from chats with my bff Kinsey Jo; chats that usually begin, “I think that this is what they are afraid of…” It will prob. be more amusing if you have read my stories Be With Me/Talk to Me, but having read them isn't entirely necessary. Hope you are appropriately horrified.

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What You’re Afraid Of
By: SSJL
Rated: T
Genre: Parody/Humor
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At first, he thought he must be dreaming. But the longer he stood dumbfounded, the more real the scene in front of him proved itself to be. Then, he had to figure out how to make his presence known. Finally, he cleared his throat, causing the liplocked couple on the couch to spring apart. The guilty parties looked at him wide-eyed.

“Booth!” his partner sputtered. “You’re home early.”

“Apparently. What the hell is going on here? We are together for more than a year, we buy a house together, and then I come home and find you tonguing my…my…”

“Hey, bro,” Jared said guiltily from the other side of the couch, wiping lipstick from his mouth. Booth shook his head, bowled over.

“Temperance. I don’t understand.”

His partner sighed, and after adjusting her clothes properly, she got up from the couch to approach him. “Booth, it’s probably better that you found out about this now. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this.”

“About what?”

“I’ve decided I don’t require a sexy-as-sin F.B.I. agent anymore. I’ve really been leaning more towards mediocrity these days.”

“Really? Why?”

Brennan rolled her eyes. “Come on, Booth. Give me a break. Look at you. Those muscles…those eyes…that smile. You’re a god. And while that was kind of fun and exciting in the beginning, it’s getting boring. Like, how long can something flawless hold your interest? It’s always the same.”

He looked hurt. “I thought you liked my body.”

“Boooooooring,” she said pointedly, her arms crossed. “But its not all about the looks, anyway.”

“It’s not?”

“No. It’s all the orgasms, too. You’re just too good in bed, Booth. Multiple orgasms take a lot out of a woman. And I’m busy, and I just can’t use the “I’m sorry I didn’t get my work done because I was too busy being ravished 3 times by my hot partner last night” excuse. Why can’t you just be satisfied with pleasing me once, like a normal man? Or not pleasing me at all, like Jared here?” Jared gave him a shit-eating grin. Booth looked back confusedly.

“I—I’m sorry.”

“Damn right you should be sorry,” she sniffed. “And, while we’re at it, all the stuff you do—taking me to private beaches for vacation, buying me a house, rescuing me every time I get kidnapped—trying way too hard, buddy. Back off.”

“But…those times you were kidnapped…you were going to be killed if I didn’t find you.”

“Whatever. Did you ever consider that I was enjoying that alone time away from you, before you came barging in to save me?”

He looked at her dumbly.

“That’s what I thought. Selfish.”

“Bones, I’m really having a hard time understanding all this. It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, it very well may not make sense. Because, despite the fact that I’m a brilliant scientist, I am apparently mildly mentally retarded, as well. The doctors haven’t been able to figure that one out quite yet.”

“I suppose that explains it. A little.”

Brennan looked at him apologetically. “I really am sorry, Booth. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But you are just…too good at making me feel good.” Her voice was sympathetic. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I guess so.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I suppose I’ll see if Cam will take me back. She kind of looks like a Romulan, but at least she’s not insane.”

“”This is true,” Brennan nodded. “Have a nice life, Booth.”

“You too, Bones,” he replied sadly, and with that he left the house so she could scrog his brother. As he drove away in his emotional rage, he got into an accident. And died.

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At the funeral, Angela walked over to a black-clad Brennan and gave her shoulder a squeeze. “I’m so sorry sweetie. Are you alright?”

Brennan looked at her mournfully. “Not really, Angela. I feel like somehow, this is my fault.”

“This is not your fault,” Angela said forcefully. “I’m not entirely sure who to blame. But…it’s almost as if someone…or something…has it out for us lately. Like, there is this ominous figure who is in control of our lives and our actions. And…I don’t know why…but I think it must hate us.”

“Ange, that’s illogical,” Brennan scoffed—but then, her face softened. “But you’re right. I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately. And now Booth’s dead, so he’s probably not feeling like himself either.”

The artist nodded in agreement, then a dreamy look crossed her face. “Do you know what I wish? I wish that there would be someone or something out there we could count on. A benevolent force looking out for us, letting us be ourselves, helping us to be better. Someone we could trust to make things right, even when everything is going terribly wrong.” She sighed. “That probably sounds crazy.”

“A little.”

“Do you think, though, it’s possible?”

Brennan surveyed the sad scene around her, and it destroyed any potential for faith she had.

“Sorry, Ange. I’ll just never believe in fanfic writers.”

“Probably better not to, at a time like this,” she agreed sadly. But still, there was a part of her that couldn’t help hoping that come next story, there would be something worth believing in.

Posted 18/02/2008 04:24:20 PM by CheeseBK

*grins* how evil was that???? very funny!!!!

Posted 18/02/2008 04:44:27 PM by piratesmiley

Oh. My. God.

That was pure (evil) genius.

Posted 18/02/2008 04:51:55 PM by DBAngelfan

ROFL I love it!

Posted 19/02/2008 08:54:41 AM by mereva

The "worst" ever! *he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he*

Posted 18/02/2008 05:15:09 PM by Sany

Okay, first off since I forgot it at the LJ thanks puppet for going over this. Just a little entry for the parody challenge at the BE with a few added lines for space so she knows how it was that Brennan got away. Hopefully it's somewhat funny.

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Not Again!

Booth strolled into the lab, in search, once again, of his socially inept, but beautiful, partner. Swiping his security card on the platform he noticed the squints running about in a frantic, yet comical, fashion. Zach was constantly running back and forth from one machine to another like he was searching for some miracle answer. Hodgins was sitting over a microscope, steadily snapping the rubber band around his wrist while grumbling incoherent angry ramblings. Cam stood off to the side, trying to give the impression that she was in complete and utter control of the situation in front of her, when it was clear to everyone but her that she wouldn’t have been able to control a well trained dog much less the squints.

Mesmerized by the flurry of activity going on around him, Booth jumped slightly at the hand that grabbed his right arm.

“Booth, sweetie have you seen Bren?” Angela asked, a note of panic in her voice.

“No I was just coming here to get her. We’ve got a case,” he said, waving the folder around in the air merrily. “Where is she Ange?” he asked, concerned by the normally cheerful artist’s grim expression.

“She’s missing again Booth. Zach doesn’t know what to think, says he doesn’t have enough evidence to make a concrete opinion about what’s going on. Hodgie thinks she may be part of some top secret government conspiracy and Cam; well no one really cares what Cam thinks. She’s a bitch. Oh Booth, she’s been kidnapped again I just know it. I tried to tell her that she needs to have someone there protect her, preferably you, but does she listen to me? Nooooo she’s the great Dr. Temperance Brennan. She doesn’t need protection, says she can take care of herself.”

“That’s it! We’re going to have to get that woman fitted with a tracking device!” Booth exclaimed, stopping the ramblings of the normally flamboyant artist. Surveying the surrounding chaos, once again, Booth yelled “Alright squints round up.” Met with blank doe eyed stares he said “Come here.” He even pointed to the spot in front of him, just in case either of them were confused as to what he wanted them to do.

Once they’d all gathered around the sexy, FBEye candy, he began his speech, “Okay so Bones is missing, again. Ange here seems to think that she’s been kidnapped again.” There were a few nods from the squints, agreeing that with the woman’s track record it was a safe bet she’d been abducted. “I think she’s right so this is what we are going to do. We’re going to come up with a plan to rescue her… again.”

“But we don’t even know….”

“Zach, don’t make me pull out my gun and shoot you. You know I’ll do it.”

The younger man quickly shrunk back behind Hodgins and away from Booth.

“Well chop, chop. Get to it squints. I got an anthropologist to save,” Booth said clapping his hands together.

Booth stood watching, as the flurry of chaos soon engulfed the platform of the Jeffersonian lab once again.

An hour later, Booth was still pacing back and forth continuously, flipping his poker chip in the air and catching it before he’d flip it again. The squints were still doing their squinting, with the exception of Cam, who was, as usual, doing nothing. What the hell was she there for anyway?

It was the sound of Angela’s relieved squeal that made him turn around and face the sliding glass doors of the lab. There, waltzing in without a care in the world, was the very woman they’d all been planning a huge rescue for… once they’d figured out who had kidnapped her again that was.

“Sweetie,” Angela said, in a rush, running down the steps and throwing her arms around the auburn haired woman. “Where the hell have you been? Were you kidnapped again? Did you kick him in the testicles?”

Opening her mouth to answer she was cut off by another familiar but more masculine voice.

“Bones, where the hell have you been? Don’t you know the squints have been frantic?” he asked, staring at the woman.

Brennan pushed out of the artists arms and headed over to face the cocky FBI agent. “I’m fine. I can protect myself you know?” she said glaring menacingly at Booth. “I don’t need your alpha male tendencies to protect me.”

“Sweetie maybe you should just listen to…”

“Don’t need me to protect you?” he asked incredulous. “Damnit Bones, in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve been shot at numerous times, kidnapped at least three times, blown up twice, nearly died twice, and that’s just since I’ve known you!”

“Booth I do not need your protection. Have you ever considered that maybe all those incidents happened to me because you were there?” she asked, a smug smirk on her face.

“How about being framed for murder? Hmmm. What about that little detail. I wasn’t even there when that happened. You managed that all by yourself missy.”

“That has nothing to do with the current situation Booth. It has no bearing on what happened today,” the author said knowing he had her there.

“And what exactly did happened today?” he asked raising an eyebrow.

A sheepish look crossed Brennan’s face, as she muttered something under her breath that he didn’t quite catch.

“What was that Bones I didn’t quite here you?” he asked leaning towards her.

“I said that one of my fans abducted me. There are you happy now?”

“See what did I tell you, she needs constant supervision and protection,” Booth stated to the squints, who were now surrounding them.

“Sorry to prove you and your alpha male tendencies wrong Booth, but if you hadn’t noticed I didn’t need you to come ‘rescue’ me. I got out of it just fine now didn’t I?” she asked a smug smile once again in place on her face.

“Oh one time out you managed to get yourself out of a mess, compared to the dozen of times I’ve had to save your ass from some psycho you’ve managed to piss off. So I’d say that qualifies that you need me to protect you!” he exclaimed, in exasperation.

“I do not need your protection Booth,” the anthropologist fumed at the very thought of needing a man to protect her.

“Oh yes you do,” Booth shot back before grabbing both sides of her head pulling her in for a hard kiss. Releasing her Booth looked at her with a smug look. That’ll shut her up.

“No I don’t,” she managed to say around the wad of gum now in her mouth and licking her lips at the same time.

Angela turned towards Brennan and asked "So sweetie, how did you get away?"

She gave the artist a sly grin "I kicked him in the testicles."

Posted 19/02/2008 00:14:57 AM by DBAngelfan

lol great job

Posted 19/02/2008 09:17:44 AM by mereva

"...and Cam, well no one really cares what Cam thinks. She’s a bitch." You totally lost me there: I laughed till I cried.