When There Were No Promises -- posted by AnaG [11/09/2007]

Posted 11/09/2007 07:34:59 (10/09/2007 10:34:59 PM)

This was inspired in part by “Into My Arms” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Not really sure what else to say about this one…and can’t really say ‘hope you enjoy’…so,okay well…here we go. –ana

And wills, thanks again for your help. As always, you rock! -a

***

Calls to the lab on the pretense that the case still mattered. Endless trips to the vending machines for burnt coffee that no amount of sugar or cream could salvage. Muttered complaints to Angela about the cloying scent of the antiseptic cleaner that was somehow amplifying the underlying smell it was meant to hide. Practical arrangements to borrow a pair of scrubs to replace her ruined clothing. Terse and uncompromising interrogation of any nurse or doctor or orderly that came within her reach. She had protected herself as best she could.

But when she stepped into that room, when she finally saw him, whatever lies she had told herself were shattered.

Tubes and wires in every direction. Screens displaying incomprehensible patterns and numbers in vibrant colors. An electronic tone from an unknown source, a rhythmic pulse overwhelming every sound but the frightening whisper of artificial breaths counted out by a machine.

In a world where things made sense, she would have been able to provide a passable explanation for most of them. But not today. Today, all she knew was that they represented how close she was to losing him. There was nothing she could do but believe in the science that had produced the machines and informed the doctors. For the first time in her life, she was questioning her own version of faith. Now, when she needed it the most, she was uncertain that it would be enough.

She moved closer to him, the side of her hip pressing into the metal railing along the side of the bed. She needed to be near him, needed to reconcile the figure in the bed with the man that she knew. He seemed so small beneath the thin blanket, so ashen against the institutional white pillow. Where was the light in his eyes, the steady play of emotion across his features? The uncompromising strength that had become a constant in her life? How was she going to survive this without him to guide her?

Craving their connection, she reached out with an unsteady hand, resting her palm against the side of his face. Her knees almost buckled in relief when she felt the warmth of his skin instead of distant coolness. It was proof. Proof that he was still there, that her mistake hadn’t taken him away from her.

The guilt slammed into her, causing her to jerk her hand away from him. She looked down, expecting to see his blood still staining her skin. There had been so much blood. All of it her fault. She had put the pieces together too late. He was already on his way to find some scrap of evidence to fill the frustrating gaps in the case. She had tried to reach him before a killer pretending to be a reluctant eyewitness could feel a threat in a second visit from the agent investigating his crime. She had gotten there seconds too late, the terrifying coppery scent of blood and cordite heavy in the air as she ran into the room. She'd found him sprawled on the floor, his eyes meeting hers with a chilling acceptance before they slowly closed.

She stood in the hospital room remembering, her hand instinctively seeking his for support as the memories pummeled her. The impossible sight of the blood spilling onto his pristine white shirt. The screams for someone to help, to please help them. The sticky heat coating her hands, seeping between her fingers as she desperately pressed against the wound. The too shallow breaths against her cheek as she leaned close to him and demanded that he not leave her.

He couldn’t. She needed him. He’d quietly worn away all of the barriers she had built over the years, revealing her heart and making a place for himself in the hidden, empty spaces. If he was gone, she knew she wouldn’t survive the hollows.

Or the knowledge that she had never told him that she…

The words remained unvoiced as something unknown pulled her back into the sterile room. She was certain that she had missed something important and grasped for it like the last remnants of a rapidly fading dream. Then it registered, the ghost of a sensation in her hand. For a moment, she allowed herself to believe that he had somehow felt her presence…her need…and had moved his hand against hers.

Blind hope grew as her eyes flew to his face, expecting to see him watching her with assurance in his eyes, an unspoken promise that everything would be alright.

But there were no promises. His face remained blank and unmoving, his body still except for the rise and fall of his bandaged chest.

She sank to the ground, not feeling the unforgiving linoleum pressing into her knees or the heavy warmth of tears tracing down her face. No longer able to think or reason, she rested her head against the edge of the bed and threaded her fingers through his, strengthening her connection to the one person that had shown her what was possible in this world.

She didn’t doubt what he would do if she were the one in that bed caught in the limbo between death and life. What he would say if he was able. She owed it to him to honor his beliefs, for his belief in her.

The words, discarded and forgotten the day her parents had disappeared, were awkward and rusty in her mouth as she spoke.

“Please God….”

Posted 11/09/2007 09:48:17 (11/09/2007 00:48:17 AM) DBAngelfan

awwwww is there more?

Posted 21/09/2007 22:00:37 (21/09/2007 01:00:37 PM) pyro

ANA!!! More please?!?! I promise to be good and read! :-)

Posted 21/09/2007 22:40:14 (21/09/2007 01:40:14 PM) BGWGscienceteacher

Okay, I asked for you to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE continue this when it was over at the other site; so, now I'm going to continue my crusade here. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE continue this story. PPS

Posted 22/09/2007 06:38:11 (21/09/2007 09:38:11 PM) sarcastress

Excellent work. What a wallop those last two sentences packed. I'll understand if you planned for this to be a oneshot, but, selfishly, I hope it's not, because I'd really like to read more.

Posted 22/09/2007 23:31:16 (22/09/2007 02:31:16 PM) flyersfan35

Ana......omg, how one earth did I miss this??? That was......so heartwrenchingly beautiful!!!!!

U know what I love about your writing? The way u create a picture so vivid in my mind, that I can see everything happening. U r the master at that, ana, I truly mean that.

I just...I have no words! Simply amazing!! And I, too, would love more, although I wouldn't want to force it, I know how hard it is sometimes.

Posted 23/09/2007 00:21:34 (22/09/2007 03:21:34 PM) polygirl

omg ana that was great loved it!

very nice, sad, but nice!