HILARIOUS!!!! Just read. You won't be sorry!

I never read, reply or repost these type of things but this one is a cut above the rest...

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in anothercity and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


haha that was good

Oh I know... I was laughing until I was crying with some of these!

Okay the Nancy Kerrigan, Grandpa's mind like a steel trap and my Simple plan-brother-in-law-Phil, were definitely the funniest, but that was HILARIOUS!!

Thanks so much for sharing, that made me laugh!!

Bella

I loved that BIL one, too. I can totally relate with my two brothers in law lol!

Oh, GOD. My generation is either totally clever, or completely idiotic. I almost want to go back through my fanfic and make sure I never said any of that...

That was hysterical, though. Even though it could've been me.

I love this one:

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

willgirl wrote:I love this one:

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

Haha, I loved that one too, but the only Canadian Beef I'm interested in is.....Ryan Reynolds!! Bwahahahahahahaha!!

Bella

Oh my god, this is almost as funny as the Darwin awards and the Ig prizes. Number 11 was absolute gold because it's so true...

"11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30."

And this one also:
"14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Hah, clever. *wiggles eyebrows*

oh my god, that was sooo funny! thanks for posting!!

Hehe...

|I now really want someone to write a fic using as many of these as possible...

So funny!

I think the icon says it best. Passersby might think I'm mad though. Laughing by myself in the staircase...Koo-koo!

These are great! I see Zack and Jack demonstrating this one in the lab just to make Angela crinkle her face ...

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

I just noticed that I graduated from Newbie to Squint! Today's a good day!

Haha!! I agree. I could so see them doing that, Cam standing over their shoulders, glaring disapprovingly... XD

God, these are so funny! I'm really wondering whether people are actually serious when they write these in their essays.

xD this was indeed sooo hilarious. xD *is still laughing*

Those we're funny!!

I found two more with google

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.